I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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