Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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