I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
