3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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