so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
