i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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