and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
