This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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