I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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