I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize