Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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