if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
