So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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