he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
