I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize