meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize