hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
