Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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