Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
a search helicopter?!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
