I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He better not be in your backpack
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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