the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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