I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
