So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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