ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
zippers are such a cool invention
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
