Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Randomize
