two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's blow job season.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
