I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
