Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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