I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
