i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
