I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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