she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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