I think I won the penis lottery.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
