This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
