happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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