Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
