god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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