I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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