They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
