Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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