i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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