An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
