I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
