UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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