My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
