Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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