update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
