and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
