I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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