i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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