Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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