This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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