i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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