I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
