I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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