I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
