Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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