Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
