I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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