Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
