We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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