I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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