Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
