Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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